Where Does Perfectionism Come From?

If you’ve realised you’re a perfectionist or started noticing some hidden signs you might be, perhaps you’re wondering why. Where does perfectionism come from? And is there anything you can do about it?

What Causes Perfectionism?

It’s unlikely there’s one single, isolated reason for your perfectionism. It’s usually down to a mixture of causes. Childhood experiences, the culture we grow up in, messages from the media and individual traits all play a part.

Our genetics influence the development of individual personality traits, but what we believe about ‘being perfect’ and how we behave is also shaped by our lived experience. There are a few ways this can happen:   

• Modelling – We learn a lot by observing others. Perfectionists often grow up around other perfectionists, developing perfectionist beliefs and behaviours through observing family members.
• Reward and reinforcement – In many ways, perfectionism is actively encouraged. The high standards associated with perfectionistic striving are often rewarded by society (e.g. working hard at school leads to good grades and praise from teachers and parents). As a result, a person’s measure of their self-worth can become tied to achievement. Even if the people around you don’t expect or demand perfection, it’s easy to develop self-imposed standards and a deep need to do things ‘perfectly’.   
• Punishment and shame – Being criticised for doing something improperly may teach a child it’s important to do things correctly/perfectly. Being told you’re not smart enough, funny enough, slim enough etc can lead to the development of negative core beliefs, especially if this happens as a child. Again, this can affect a person’s self-worth and lead them to believe they need to earn or prove their value by never doing anything imperfectly.

Ultimately, depending on our childhood and early experiences, perfectionism can be a way to get noticed or feel more in control, safe and secure. It can develop to compensate for feeling inadequate or not good enough, or it can develop as a way to gain acceptance and love.

Why Does it Persist?

As you can see, many causes of perfectionism are rooted in childhood. But why isn’t it something we grow out of? The trouble is, before it starts causing problems, perfectionism tends to feel pretty good. Here’s why:

• The positive aspects of perfectionism are socially condoned, and people are often praised for having high standards and working hard.
• Perfectionism (and the striving it inspires) often brings achievements and rewards.
• Perfectionism provides structure because each day is focused on achievement.
• Perfectionism creates a sense of control because each day is predictable.
• Perfectionism helps people avoid feared people/situations because striving for achievement leaves little time for socialising or being in new situations that may provoke anxiety.
• Perfectionism allows people to avoid discovering feared aspects of the self. For example, many people fear they only do well because they work hard and that such work compensates for an innate lack of ability.

While there seems to be plenty of benefits to being a perfectionist, as a CBT Therapist, I know this isn’t really the case. Having supported clients and worked on my own perfectionism, I’ve come to realise the cons usually outweigh the pros. Left unchecked, it can have a negative impact on your life. It’s also a common factor in a number of mental health problems including obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

What Can I Do About It?

The key idea behind cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is that what you think (cognitive) and what you do (behavioural) affects the way you feel. Sometimes we can find ourselves stuck in vicious cycles where our thoughts and the things we’re doing to solve a problem inadvertently keep it going. This means we continue to experience the negative feelings associated with the problem. In many cases, it can also make it difficult to move forward with our lives.

While this explains why it can be so hard to shrug off perfectionism, it also means it’s something you can work on. Through CBT, you can learn how to change these negative patterns and improve the way you feel. You don’t need to know or understand where your perfectionism comes from to do this, although people often find it useful. It may be easier to make sense of any underlying causes in therapy.  

If you’re looking for help and advice, 5 Ways to Beat Perfectionism is a good place to start. I also share support, information and ideas for recovering perfectionists on my Instagram page, the.perfectionism.therapist, and via my fortnightly newsletter, Perfectly Imperfect. Finally, if you’re looking for a CBT therapist, please get in touch.